Worry About You
by Rebecca Parker
Summary: Giles takes Willow to England so they can work out their issues.


Worry About You TITLE: Worry About You (1/1)   
AUTHOR: Rebecca Parker   
EMAIL: NumfarGal@aol.com   
RATING: PG-13  
SUMMARY: Giles takes Willow back to England so they can deal with their issues.   
PAIRING: Some light G/W  
IMPROV: #29: century -- unleash -- ground -- melt  
SPOILERS: Up to "Once More, With Feeling"   
FEEDBACK: I do the Dance of Joy upon receipt of feedback.   
DISCLAIMER: Joss and Mutant Enemy own all.   
DISTRIBUTION: At Our Own Destiny and all the usual suspects. All others, please ask first.   
DEDICATION: To Moe, for making me feel good enough. Thank you.   
NOTE: Title is a song by Ivy.   
  
  
  
Staring out the window of the airplane, Willow couldn't help but feel confused. 

Giles sat next to her, reading his copy of "Ulysses" which looked as if it had been paged through a half dozen times before. Every few minutes, he would glance at her and smile. She'd expect him to say something, but he wouldn't. He would just smile and turn back to his book. 

She had tried to concentrate on anything to get her through the 10-hour flight to London that the two of them had taken from Sunnydale's airport only hours before. The movie was one she had seen before, and hadn't even cared much for during the first viewing. She hadn't brought any books with her; this trip for her was completely unplanned. 

They had known Giles was leaving again for days. He had gathered them together in the Magic Box, none of them quite able to look at one another after their musical debut the night before. So many secrets had been uncovered that Willow was almost ready to believe that the lies were better. 

Everything had changed, and Giles knew that the time had come for him to take his leave. Buffy had pleaded with him not to go; they all did their fair share of begging. He had tearily turned them all down, citing reasons and explanations that none of them cared for. All any of them knew was that they didn't know how to get by without him. Letting him go once was difficult enough. Like Dawn had told her once before about Buffy- it was harder to give someone up after finally getting them back. 

But he had left, and none of them had the strength to see him go this time. They had all said their goodbyes to Giles in their own ways and at their own times, but no one was able to see him at that final moment when he boarded the plane and left their lives again. 

Not even Willow was strong enough to do it, but he had forced it on her. 

"Come with me," Giles had told her as she pulled out of his embrace during their goodbyes. 

She had looked at him, confused, not understanding. "Giles?" 

"You can come back," he said, putting his hand on her shoulder. "It's just important to me. I think you need this," he had told her. 

She wasn't sure at first, but with Tara gone from her life, and with school on hiatus since the Dean had tangoed until he burnt up, she had time on her hands and an emptiness inside her which she thought that perhaps the distance between her and Sunnydale could fill. 

So she went with Giles and, hours later, she still wasn't sure exactly why. She occupied her time aboard the plane trying to figure out why she went and why he wanted her to go. 

When she found that the answers would not come to her, she had finally fallen asleep and, when she woke with her head upon his shoulder, she looked up to see him looking down at her. 

"Sorry," she had said, moving back upright. "Did I drool?" 

"Not quite," Giles said, smiling at her still. His smile was so unnerving to her, and why was another mystery she couldn't quite solve. "Did you sleep well?" 

"I guess," Willow said, tucking her hair behind her ears. "Still having the nightmares." 

"Ah," Giles said, nodding. "Yes. How long has it been now?" 

"It feels like a century or two," Willow answered sadly. "But really? A week. Ever since-" 

"Yes," Giles interrupted. "I fear we're all haunted in one way or another since then." 

"I think I was in heaven," Willow repeated, and she couldn't help the shivers that overcame her. 

They both remained quiet for a moment, but their minds were reeling from the memory of those shocking words sweetly sung to them. They could remember the pain behind each word, the sorrow in her eyes as she unleashed the secret she had held in for so long. "She's not the same. I suppose she hasn't been. But we tried so hard to believe she was. To make her so," he said, turning to her. 

"I know," Willow answered, turning to the window and staring out at the vast blue sky outside her window. "I just-" She sighed. "I wanted her to be OK. I never thought-" 

"I know," Giles said, sighing. "Just try to think of something else for now. Drudging up painful issues will just serve to make this flight seem longer." 

"I guess," Willow said, shrugging. "How much time is left?" 

"Oh," Giles said, looking to his watch. "About an hour and a half. You slept through lunch. Are you hungry? I'm sure they could bring something to you. I think they're serving Tuna Melts or something equally horrific" 

"No," Willow said, smiling as she shook her head. "I'm OK." 

"Alright then," Giles said, yawning. "I think I'll take a nap. Will you be alright?" 

"Yeah," Willow answered, and Giles closed his eyes. 

She wished she didn't have to tell so many lies. She wasn't OK. She wasn't alright. She was something so very different, and she couldn't help but think of things. She hadn't been able to spend an hour without blaming herself for Buffy, or for Tara. Arguably two of the people she cared for most in this world now hated her, whether they admitted it or not. 

She never thought she would come to a point in her life where she could instill such feelings of distaste and disgust in others. Tara had left two days before Giles, not saying her goodbyes or giving Willow another chance to explain. The arguments they had been involved in for days on end were reason enough. 

Buffy had distanced herself from all of them since she sang her song to them. She would still come to the Magic Box to train or to work, but she avoided one-on-one situations with all involved in bringing her back. Willow had tried to talk to her, but she had come up with excuses of other places she had to be and other things she had to be doing. 

Once Tara had left, Willow had given up. She would come to the Magic Box only to help with sales or research. She would keep mostly to herself, and no one seemed incredibly inclined to try and bring her out of it. She could tell that everyone, including Anya and Xander, blamed Willow, and she couldn't say she didn't understand why. She was to blame. She knew it now. 

Willow sank down in her seat, her eyes once again gazing out at the sky. She wondered if Heaven looked anything like that, and wondered if she'd ever be comfortable enough with Buffy to ask. Somehow she didn't think so, and somehow she wasn't sure she even deserved it. 

Giles stirred next to her, and Willow stiffened as if her thoughts were too loud and disturbed him. 

He opened his eyes and looked up at her, understanding. "Perhaps you should attempt to sleep again as well." 

"Yeah," Willow agreed, and sank down in her seat. She closed her eyes, but the thoughts wouldn't stop coming. She took a deep breath, and began to whisper an incantation. 

"Willow," Giles said, and when Willow opened her eyes, she found him looking down at her, concerned. "What was that?" 

"Oh," Willow said, frowning. "It was just a small spell to clear my head. I use it when my mind won't stop running. It's good when you need to study or-" 

"No spells," Giles said sternly. "Please." 

Willow nodded, biting her lower lip nervously. "I'm sorry," she said, and closed her eyes again. She couldn't see if it was so, but she was sure that he watched her as she drifted to sleep. And when she woke an hour later, she wasn't surprised to find him still watching her. 

"Did I drool this time?" she asked, smiling. 

"Again, no," he said, reaching over and taking her hand. "I'm sorry if I sounded harsh before. I just-" He sighed. "All in due time, I suppose." 

"It's OK," Willow said. She looked out the window, and was surprised to see the airport outside it. "We landed? I slept through the landing?" 

"Indeed," Giles said, smiling. "I wasn't sure that was possible." 

"Me either." Willow laughed half-heartedly. "I guess I got used to sleeping through loud noises. Believe it or not, Tara snored." 

Giles grinned. "Will wonders never cease?" He stood up and grabbed his carry-on from the overhead compartment. "Are you ready?" 

Willow nodded, pulling on her sweater. "I guess," she answered. "I still can't believe I came to England with you. I've never even been outside of California." 

"Yet you had a passport," Giles said, moving out of the way so Willow could get by. 

"Well, I like to be prepared," she said, pulling her small bag down and placing it over her shoulder. "You never know when an interesting opportunity will arise." 

"True enough," Giles said, moving down the aisle and towards the exit, making sure that Willow was still behind him. They didn't speak as they made their way past the crowds, and even at customs, they were quiet. 

He grabbed a tea from a café inside the airport as she filled out forms, and he leaned against the wall and watched her. It had taken more time than he expected. By the time she walked over to him, he had been on his third drink. "Problems?" he asked her. 

"Oh," she said, shrugging. "They confiscated some of my supplies. I think they thought I was a big bad drug dealer or something. I guess I won't be able to bless your apartment." 

"Ah." Giles nodded. "Yes, well. I fear I'll just have to get by." 

"So," Willow said, shifting her bag from one shoulder to the other. "I thought your apartment was in Bath? Are we going to take a train or something?" 

"Later," Giles said, nodding. "First, I wanted to show you something. It's the reason I asked you to come, actually." 

"Oh?" Willow asked, her curiosity peaked. "So where are we going?" 

Once outside, Giles flagged down a cab. He stepped to the door and opened it for her. "You'll see." 

++++ 

Willow couldn't help the chills that ran down her spine. 

Of all the places she had expected Giles to take her, a cemetery was far down the list. 

"Giles," Willow said, stepping out of the cab. "Um. I take it you weren't a tour guide in another life." 

Giles smiled, but said nothing as he moved past her. 

She followed him, her hands in the pockets of her jacket. England was colder than she expected, and as they made their way through the rows of graves, she found herself pulling her jacket closer. 

"It's right over here," Giles finally said and, after a few more steps, he stopped. 

Willow caught up to him and looked down at the grave Giles was staring at. "Randall Monroe?" she asked, looking over to him. "Did you know him?" 

Giles nodded, his eyes remaining on the tombstone. He leaned down, and ran his fingers over the grass that covered the ground. "He was a friend of mine at University." 

The lights went on inside Willow's head, and suddenly- she understood. "He was the one Eyghon killed," she said. 

"No," Giles said, looking up to her. "He was the one that we killed. That I killed," he corrected himself. He stood back up and faced her. "Willow, that night in the kitchen-" 

Willow shivered. She didn't want to talk about this, but she knew they had to. It was obviously what he had brought her over the ocean and to another continent to discuss. 

He grasped her arm. "That night in the kitchen, I handled things rather badly. I didn't mean to yell at you." 

"It's OK," Willow said, and looked down. 

"Willow," Giles said, and his voice seemed so gentle that she had to look back up. "It's not alright. Had I handled things better, perhaps all would be different now. I had no right to yell at you the way I did. The things I said-" 

"You meant every word, Giles," Willow said, tilting her head. "I know you did." 

"I did," Giles admitted. "But I should never have been so coarse. I fear I only made you defensive, and all I wanted to do was to make you understand." 

"You did," Willow said. "Giles, I knew what you were saying." 

"Willow, there's a difference between knowing and understanding. Had you understood, I doubt you would ever have done that spell on Tara." 

Willow held her breath in; she couldn't cry. She had done that enough. "I know." 

"You're beginning to, I think. That's why I needed to bring you here." He reached out and took her hand. "Willow, I should never have been so harsh with you. I care about you very much. Saying goodbye to you at the airport that first time-" Giles stopped. "There are still no words for how I felt. I trusted you more than anyone else. But when I came back- I felt as if I didn't know you. And that scared me more than anything." 

"Giles, you know me," Willow said, her voice soft. "I know I've changed, but I'm still me." 

"I know," he said tenderly. "But the more you change, the less I know. And I don't much care for that." 

Willow smiled at him and squeezed his hand. She could never explain how she felt such closeness with Giles, but she always knew it was there. That night in the kitchen, she had been more upset not by his words, but by the passion he had spoken them with. She was sure that he had hated her for what she had done. She was sure that things would never be the same between them. 

But standing here together, she could feel things returning to normal. "I'm sorry. For everything, Giles. For the way things turned out..." 

"Willow, I brought you here to show you what I couldn't express." He looked down at the grave again and sighed. "I understand what you're going through. The ability to perform magics- one can get drunk on the power. I've tasted that, you know?" 

"I know," Willow said, nodding. "But you didn't kill him, Giles. You couldn't have known what happened." 

"Yes, I should have." Giles took a deep breath. "My father was quite appalled by my activities. He knew about them, of course. As a Watcher, he was well aware of the demons and the darkness that I dabbled in. And he tried to warn me. He was an awful man most of the time. He would yell at me and call me dreadful names. You see- he never had an effect on me. Had he dealt with me rationally and calmly, perhaps he may have." 

He sighed, letting go of her hand and turning his back to her. "I should have spoken to you calmly. I wanted to tell you where this all can lead. It leads here, Willow." 

He turned around and looked from her back to the headstone. "He had wanted to be a doctor, you know? His parents wanted that for him as well, so of course he rebelled. The sad part is - he was always the one least into the magic. He was the one we had to drag along most of the time." Giles took off his glasses and looked down. "Willow, I know that this magic is a large part of who you are now, but I need you to understand how dangerous it can be. I'll never forgive myself for what happened to Randall, and I don't want that to happen to you." 

"I'm not going to die," Willow said, stepping closer to Giles. 

"I meant the guilt," Giles said, turning to her. "I've never been the same since it happened. No matter how many lives I save or help to save, it can never make up for the one I took. I don't want you to have to go through that. I fear the guilt you feel is enough." 

Willow stared at Randall's name on his headstone and took a deep breath. "Giles, I don't want that either. But I don't know how to stop. I don't know if I can. And you're the only one who understands, and you're gone. I just- I don't know." 

Giles sighed and pulled Willow into his arms. She leaned against his chest and they stood there for moments in silence. He tenderly stroked her hair, his eyes closed. "Willow," he finally said, and for a moment, no other words would come. "I can't go back." 

"Why not?" she asked. "We all need you." 

"I know," Giles admitted. "But I can't be all that you need me to be. You, Buffy- you both need to be enough for yourselves." 

Willow sighed. Somehow she knew she would be unable to change his mind, and she was too tired to try. "I don't think I can handle losing you, Giles. After Tara-" She sighed. "I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can be enough." 

"Yes you can," Giles said, pulling back and looking at her. He smiled, leaning in and placing a small kiss on her forehead. "You're more than enough, Willow. You always have been. You just need to take control of this issue before it takes control of you." 

"I know," she said, taking a deep breath. "Can I stay with you for a few days? I just can't go back there yet. And I don't think-" She sighed. "I don't think I can leave you yet." 

"I don't think I can either," he said. "Just promise me you'll remember what I said today." 

"I don't think I can ever forget it," she said, closing her eyes. "And I'll try. For you," she said. "For Tara, for Buffy." 

"And for yourself," Giles reminded her. 

Willow nodded. "I'll try." 

"That's all I ask," Giles said, taking her hand again and leading her back to the cab. "I only want the best for you, Willow." 

She smiled shyly, looking down. "I think you are the best for me." 

The End 


End file.
